Another day, another whinging git...
Phone goes.
Against my better judgement I sprint over before the answering machine kicks in and pick it up. Now the name of my little team has changed recently to something that nobody knows the meaning of, so I just say "Happiness Borough Community Police. PC Bitseach speaking..." and wait to see if they recognise this, give me 5 beats of silence as they try to figure out what I've just said, ask for somebody who works in some other unit or try to order pizza or something. Instead we both wait while Mrs Stepford tells us both that she's very sorry that we can't take the call, Mr Whinging-Git shouting "Hello! HELLO!!" at increasing volume whilst I try stabbing every button that might MAKE HER STOP! The maximum number of rings you can set it to is FOUR (4) [aaahhhh statement-writing.....] which is about 10 (ten?) too few for me to get across the office and answer it before Mrs Bloody Stepford starts drawling in her soft modern way that just makes you want to punch someone.
This is the drill:
When I finally got the stupid answering machine off all I can hear is this shouty old git-bloke:
Git: I PHONED earlier and TOLD you what the problem was and you've done NOTHING about it AT ALL. NOTHING!
Me: Uh, good morning, uh what seems to be the trouble?
Git: YOU LOT! SOMEBODY was supposed to phone me BACK!
Me: Huh? [ huh? ]
Git: I TOLD you about this already. SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
Me: [what the fu...?] Sir, we do get a lot of calls to this office. Can you tell me briefly what it's about?
Git: It's about THE CHILDREN, THE CHILDREN THAT ARE OUTSIDE 123 CRAPPOLA HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL EACH DAY. What are you doing about it?
Me: [sigh...should have followed my instincts] Right, I know what we're talking about now. Well we have officers in the area and....
Git: you're doing NOTHING there's NO POINT going around there NOW. THE CHILDREN ARE ALL AT SCHOOL. I AM GOING TO MAKE A COMPLAINT
Me: [in school? where's he been? Doesn't he realise the good burghers of the London Borough of Happiness don't send their children to school!!] Sir as I'm trying to explain, as well as having officers in the area, we've also arranged.....
Git: I'M MAKING A COMPLAINT - YOU'RE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: [ silence ] Sir, if you continue to shout at me I will hang up the phone [ sir, you can poke your stupid complaint up your arse. If I could reach through the phone handset and throttle you with my hands right now, the next CAD message would be a suspicious sudden death at YOUR PLACE ] now if I can help in any way I shall.
Git: AAAARGHHHH I am shout blah blah nothing blah blah IPCC blah blah complaint fuh fuh. [ SLAM]
Twat. Ruined a good cup of tea. Last time I answer the bloody phone.
Against my better judgement I sprint over before the answering machine kicks in and pick it up. Now the name of my little team has changed recently to something that nobody knows the meaning of, so I just say "Happiness Borough Community Police. PC Bitseach speaking..." and wait to see if they recognise this, give me 5 beats of silence as they try to figure out what I've just said, ask for somebody who works in some other unit or try to order pizza or something. Instead we both wait while Mrs Stepford tells us both that she's very sorry that we can't take the call, Mr Whinging-Git shouting "Hello! HELLO!!" at increasing volume whilst I try stabbing every button that might MAKE HER STOP! The maximum number of rings you can set it to is FOUR (4) [aaahhhh statement-writing.....] which is about 10 (ten?) too few for me to get across the office and answer it before Mrs Bloody Stepford starts drawling in her soft modern way that just makes you want to punch someone.
This is the drill:
- Ring-ring. Uh? Was that the 'phone?
- Ring-ring. Ah it was. Hmmm, shall I answer it? Nah I'll let the machine get it. NO! It might be important and I MUST SHOW COMMUNITY FOCUS! If I really sprint I'll get it
- Ring-ring. Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh....! [thunderous clatter of feet on office flooring, dodging around desks, twisted joints]
- Ring-ring. "Good morning [ puff, pant ] Community Unit [huff ] PC Bitseach speaking" Ha! got there in time.
"I'm sorry, your call" [Hello?] "cannot be taken" [ is this the police? ] "at the moment, but please leave a message after the [ hello!? HELLO?? ] tone.
BUGGER.
But I digress....When I finally got the stupid answering machine off all I can hear is this shouty old git-bloke:
Git: I PHONED earlier and TOLD you what the problem was and you've done NOTHING about it AT ALL. NOTHING!
Me: Uh, good morning, uh what seems to be the trouble?
Git: YOU LOT! SOMEBODY was supposed to phone me BACK!
Me: Huh? [ huh? ]
Git: I TOLD you about this already. SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
Me: [what the fu...?] Sir, we do get a lot of calls to this office. Can you tell me briefly what it's about?
Git: It's about THE CHILDREN, THE CHILDREN THAT ARE OUTSIDE 123 CRAPPOLA HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL EACH DAY. What are you doing about it?
Me: [sigh...should have followed my instincts] Right, I know what we're talking about now. Well we have officers in the area and....
Git: you're doing NOTHING there's NO POINT going around there NOW. THE CHILDREN ARE ALL AT SCHOOL. I AM GOING TO MAKE A COMPLAINT
Me: [in school? where's he been? Doesn't he realise the good burghers of the London Borough of Happiness don't send their children to school!!] Sir as I'm trying to explain, as well as having officers in the area, we've also arranged.....
Git: I'M MAKING A COMPLAINT - YOU'RE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: [ silence ] Sir, if you continue to shout at me I will hang up the phone [ sir, you can poke your stupid complaint up your arse. If I could reach through the phone handset and throttle you with my hands right now, the next CAD message would be a suspicious sudden death at YOUR PLACE ] now if I can help in any way I shall.
Git: AAAARGHHHH I am shout blah blah nothing blah blah IPCC blah blah complaint fuh fuh. [ SLAM]
Twat. Ruined a good cup of tea. Last time I answer the bloody phone.
posted by Bitseach at 10:04 pm
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