07 October 2006

"A nice cup of tea and a sit down"

Some officers are being forced to break down their shift day into 15-minute intervals to account for their days so decided would do my day:

1000: start shift with nice cup of tea
1015: First cup slightly too milky - have another with more favourable milk concentration
1030: Foolishly answer office phone. Need more tea to recover
1045: Oops, too much tea. Would go out but keep having to visit loo instead to pee. Check briefings.
1100: Go out onto ground. Do community visit. Seems rude not to have tea when offered. Wouldn’t wish to offend community after all…
1115: Still talking - need biscuits now. Seriously.
1130: Mostly peeing again from tea.
1145: Leave on patrol. Talk to informant but still thinking all the time of pee-ing.
1200: Lunchtime. Break out and have coffee instead in local establishment.
1215: Still on refs - sod off Home Office!
1230: I said GO AWAY! If I must take Refs on the ground to please "the communidee" then the least you can do is bugger off and let me eat them without staring over my shoulder. Well, metaphorically anyway.
1245: Local wandering maniac comes over to tell me about a squirrel that keeps throwing nuts at her and what are the police going to do?
1300: Maniac finally shuts up and leaves. However, took up valuable refs time so have fresh lovely cup of tea to compensate. Get sympathetic looks from waiting staff. Not so bloody sympathetic as to come and rescue me from Mrs Nut-nut 15 minutes ago though, eh?
1315: Peeing again. Now like pedigree racehorse.
1330: Short patrol with local probationer / PCSO pointing out local tea-holes on ground. Emphasise value of stopping in such places for intelligence purposes. And tea.
1345: More peeing.
1400: Excess urination has created room for more tea. Don't fight it.
1415: Probationer / PCSO wishes to go to nearby nick for short period to book in property. I say will wait in canteen
1430 - 1445: Contemplate trying new flavour of tea. Decide on Assam. Mmm, delicious!
1500: Proby / PCSO joins me in canteen and looks thirsty. Again, don't fight it.
1515: Still swinging blue lantern with proby / PCSO.
1530: Sergeant phones. Sergeant is only person on earth to match my tea consumption but he smokes also so retain smug feeling of faux superiority over boss. Suggests all meet up at local café for tea and smoke. Politely decline latter but as for tea? Orders is orders. Make way to café.
1545: On way to café allow proby / PC to choose route. Route chosen passes mainline railway station. FOOL! DANGER!!
1545 - 1600: Spend 15 minutes advancing forward exactly two steps before fresh person steps up with fatuous directions question. Direct several past the "PleaseandThankyou Shop" then feel guilty for setting bad example to proby / PCSO.
1600: Stick on motorist for penance. Motorist protests innocence of traffic law forbidding mobile phone use whilst driving. Set straight at great length. Then stick on anyway. Model self on "Little Miss Jocelyn" character, "I am now going to write you a ticket. It will take a loooooonnnnngggggg time". Giggle inwardly.
1615: See 1600: Grumpy now from tannin withdrawal.
1630: Finally meet with skipper in café. He shaking with combined poisoning of nicotine, caffeine and tannin. But still chatting up waiting staff.
1645: Proby / PCSO finally takes hint and offers to buy tea. My work is done.
1700: Physically incapable of drinking more tea. Slosh back to nick to write up ticket evidence. Journey timed between emergency pees. Now seriously contemplating catheterisation or dialysis.
1715: Writing ticket. Need tea to complete task. Sergeant shows great leadership by putting kettle on. Pointed looks at proby / PCSO eventually produce hot and wet one. Yum.
1730: Adding finishing flourishes to ticket. Style is so important in these things. Besides, know that proby / PCSO will want to see how ticket written by Old Sweat(y) Blah-merchant like me and want to set good example of evidence-writing.
1745: Nearly home time. Quick one for the road. Bonus - find a biscuit in desk drawer! Huzzah!!
1800: Go home, smug in the knowledge that have achieved ultimate day in life of community police officer.

Some people say they see a certain pattern in my day. I dunno....


Anonymous Joe Public said...

Well that's me convinced to sign up!

07 October, 2006 14:42  
Blogger LockerRoom said...

I can't believe there's actually a web site dedicated to having a cup of tea and sitting down. I think there is a need for the services of a professional hacker to change the job intranet home page to that. Much more inspiring and truthful.

07 October, 2006 16:54  
Blogger Bitseach said...

Joe it takes kidneys of steel to do my job, kidneys of steel.

07 October, 2006 18:38  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would say your tea intake is low compared to some of the ivory tower dwellers I have seen.
Not to mention some of the custody skippers.

08 October, 2006 16:44  
Blogger BelfastPeeler said...

In the event that your shift as you describe it on the sheet does NOT comply with working time regulations - no meal break for every 4 hours worked and none of the other "protected break time" thingies you're told you get - the monitoring period will be written off as not representative and so ignored. You wait and see...

11 October, 2006 13:46  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think you have enough tea breaks ;o)


22 October, 2006 14:38  
Anonymous Cerberus said...

That's a great post. I knew a lieutenant like your sergeant, expecting others to cough up for tea - or coffe in our case. I linked to your post inside this post (couldn't figure out how to trackback to a Blogspot blog)

27 October, 2006 09:48  
Blogger Rachel said...

Compared to the life of a freelance writer, you may be seen as a tannin-consumption lightweight

12 November, 2006 21:59  
Blogger totallyun-pc said...

Ha Ha great Blog - when I did custody, my tea intake was well above that of a community bobby, i knew it then, but now you've proved it. Lightweights, all that walking is seriously hampering your darjeeling consumption. my cup was never cold. God bless the Gaolers!

13 November, 2006 09:13  
Blogger PCSO said...

Good days work there.

10 December, 2007 20:07  
Blogger MCA said...

Display Rackscredit cards

12 January, 2012 05:42  
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Household appliances, devices making all the right connectionsChicago Tribune"We've seen all the major operators in the Americas putting hom free home security systemcool hat

12 January, 2012 07:36  

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My views are my own and would probably not endear me to my dear employers.