30 August 2006

Sir Lionel in, "Keeps Opening His Blooming Mouth" horror!

Glorious leader, Sir Lionel Blair, has yet again caused phenomenal embarrassment to his beleagured front-line troops as they try to patrol their areas preventing crime and the fear of crime, by suggesting [shudder at the very idea] that parts of Haringey were now safe enough for people to leave their doors open. Has he ANY idea how humiliating it is to be on the streets being mocked for every faux pas that he makes? I mean, you have to show some loyalty to your superiors, thin blue line and all that, but really, he does make it hard.

"Hello Officer, I am leaving my flat for a while now. Should I just leave the door unlocked as this area is now so safe?"
"No sir, I strongly advise you to double-lock and use your security gate, just like you normally do"
"Oh, so Your Boss is wrong then about how safe we are? Eh? EH??"

[thinking hard about who I would like to slap on the top of the head with a copy of Police Review more - My Boss or this sarcastic little muppet....]

"You may say that but I couldn't possibly comment". [ I then smile, as I suspect Mr Muppet won't get the rather clever cultural reference. He doesn't disappoint]

At least it makes a change from, "So, you going off to shoot some innocent Tube passengers then?"
[in my head I reply..."of course not, they won't even give me a gun, the buggers"] Some day I will just walk towards them, and, in the style of the old record, the Laughing Policeman, start a chorus of...
OH ho ho ho ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa
WOOOOH HOO HOO ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa
OH HO HO ho ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa
WOOH HOO HOO. WOO HOO ho ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......

...and then just walk away.

29 August 2006

Caprice Who Indeed?! (and who cares?)

Particularly unimpressed by Richard Madeley this week tearing into some poor plod for doing his job (doing it well actually) in securing a conviction against Caprice. For anyone else who isn't familiar with the name, she is, or was a model. She considers herself far too important to have a surname so, when asked to "step out of the car" having been stopped for a faulty fog-light and found to be reeking of booze, she gave her name only as Caprice only to have the copper reply - not unreasonably - Caprice Who? Wouldn't be the first time I've asked someone's name and had to eak it out of them, syllable by syllable, so this probably would have been my first reaction too.

[Personally, I've only heard of her because of Jonathan Ross's fast-food advert of a few years ago where he goes on at length about someone he calls "Capweece". He seemed to like her, at least in the advert but then I gather he was paid to say this!]

Madeley's article went on about how it was impossible for any police officer (as we're all white straight lusty males, presumably) not to have instantly recognised this stupid drink-driver, with a chorus of "phwoars", then slagged him off for describing her - slightly unflatteringly - in his evidence as "scrawny" and having a large acne spot on her cheek, amongst other things. Far from being churlish, this was probably just an accurate description. Even sticking someone on for a seat-belt offence I would always describe them and any prominent features; it closes down the bull-poo "it wasn't me Guv" defence before it even begins and doesn't take more than a line or two. The final thrust of this rapier-like wah-fest came as the officer's name was Flashman and that he is obviously therefore a cad as he shares his name with a caddish fictional character from literature. Hmm, must be true then. (I share a last name with a v good Premiership footballer so I look forward to acquiring my enhanced ball-skills any day now!)

Could Madeley's cynicism be related to his bitterness over his 1990 arrest for shoplifting? He was acquitted at court but still clearly harbours some bitterness about being treated like anyone else who's "accidentally" removed items from a shop without paying and wanted special treatment himself. Now he's apparently a champion of the Z-list, taking up the cause of people who'd like to get off with being naughty by being even peripherally famous. Well every 'celebrity' needs a cause. Pity he's chosen such an unattractive one. Still, a step up from his referring to "dykes" on his TV show. Classy bloke, our Madeley. Judy love, you could do so much better.

Funnily enough, Caprice's web-site doesn't have anything about her recent attempts to wriggle out of justice. Pour scorn at: I'm pathetic so love me if you really must.

Mail article on:
Fascist Rag

I don't normally read the Daily Hate, honest, it was open at this article in the nick and I happened to see it. [[blushing deeply]]
My views are my own and would probably not endear me to my dear employers.